From the time I was a young child, I thought there was something very wrong with my body. In particular, I despised my round belly. My mother had a round belly and so did her mother and my father’s mother too. The message was that a good stomach was lean and flat. I watched my mother struggle into her stiff, restrictive 1960’s girdle but I still sensed that she didn’t feel good about her appearance. I heard my grammie lament that her round stomach made her look dumpy and she wished instead to be tall and willowy. I suspect that for generations, women in my family felt shameful about their bellies. This legacy was passed on to me. As early as kindergarten, I remember my mother often telling me to hold my stomach in to make my clothes look better. I was always conscious about how my stomach looked. It was my biggest flaw, my greatest shame, the worst and most unlovable part of me.
After years of trying to change my body so that it fit whatever I thought it was supposed to be, I realized it was time to accept my body just as it is. Self-acceptance and self-love isn’t immediate when there is much baggage to unpack. Healing shame is a gradual process, filled with many small steps on a journey. However, I know exactly when I began to truly love my round, beautiful goddess belly.
It was during an extended masturbation session one afternoon. The window shades were down, but the sunlight peaked in from around the edges. I lay alone on top of the duvet with scent of my coconut oil lube in the air and the comforting rumble of my Magic Wand. As I passed the wand over my entire body, I spoke out loud the words that I’d like to hear a lover say about my body from head to toe. My hair felt so soft and silky. My lips tasted sweet and felt soft. My breast felt plump and my nipples were deliciously hard between my fingertips – so tantalizing and kissable!
As I pleasured myself, I continued in my fantasy of compliments from my imaginary lover. But it was really me giving me all of those compliments, worshipping my own body in self-pleasure and love. My body was tingling with ecstasy before I experienced a tremendous head to toe orgasm. It was one of the best orgasms that I ever had.
I continued to lay on my bed, feeling completely blissful in my body. I moved my hands over my breasts and down to my belly. I felt a warm energy coming from my hands along with a deep feeling of love. Tears streamed from my face. As I type this, I feel that same emotion. I continued to move my hands just above my stomach, and I felt a warmth and such tremendous love that seemed beyond what was inside of me. I continued to gently and lovingly move my hands over my skin. I felt only love for my round stomach and my entire body. I don’t know how long I laid there, releasing my shame with tears and letting in love, true love.
After this experience, I feel nothing but love for my body, even my round stomach that was never loved as a child. When I look at my naked body in the mirror, I smile with acceptance. I can love myself unconditionally. I now appreciate my beautiful, generous goddess belly. I know that my body will continue to change as I age, that is certain. My body will probably change in size, becoming smaller or larger, as it has done before throughout my lifetime. It is my only body, the one that has served me so well in this lifetime. I am grateful for my magnificent body. I lovingly accept myself exactly as I am.
Masturbation healed my shame and enabled me to truly love my body, every inch. I am a goddess.